Happy Birthday, Major Resident

It's November and I'm seeing friends list all the things they're thankful for each day on Facebook. If I did that, I'd be a mushy puddle of goo. I'm incredibly thankful, don't get me wrong. I have an amazing family, the best boyfriend in the universe, the best sons a woman could ask for, amazing friends and support systems and my health is good. I have a home, food and am in want for nothing. (Except coffee and chocolate. You can never have too much of those!) But I don't want to save all my thanks for just one month in a post a day.

Today, I'm most thankful for that boyfriend. Who knows where we're headed but this life we lead is fraught with twists and turns and I enjoy seeing the surprises down every curve. We've both been on extreme roll coasters in our lives and come out with the largest teddy at fair. Today, God granted him another birthday. I pray God will grant us another 44 years together, as we were missing so much time together.

I WAS able to sneak onto base with the help of two of his unit crew. Had a cake and cookies and a bunch of people signed a card. I want him to know that he DOES make a difference in the lives of those around him. It's not something he's use to, that's for sure. Throughout the day, I've had friends and family call the house and my cell with messages of good wishes and happiness for his day. ALso bought Avenue Q tix for this weekend. SO excited! I have a few more surprises up my sleeves but until the day is done, I can't reveal. He reads this blog. :)

Baby, you ain't seen nothing yet!

As I said on my own FB:

A few years ago, he showed me friendship. Time passed & it became compassion when my heart hurt the worst. A bit more time & I returned the favor. I couldn't imagine my life without him now, without the laughter & love. Happy Birthday to a most incredible man!  

What's love got to do with it?

*Warning: you may be offended

I cried today. A happy cry because of all the love in my life and a bittersweet cry bemoaning that I couldn't share that kind of love years ago. But that's silly. I had that kind of love but didn't know how to show it or return it and neither could the person I loved. So an impasse came and went. And we are now stronger for it as we learned how to break free from the constraints of miscommunication and are able to show others who communicate the way we do just what love means to us.

And I cried after the following video. I'll share with you why first. Because I want you to listen to this woman's every.single.word. Absorb them, hear them, understand them. Regardless of who is saying them to whomever.

Because these words ring true for every human being on earth, those who love and love deeply, no matter the skin color, gender or creed. There are those who would say the love of one person to another is unnatural, just because those two people have the same parts. But take away the sexual organs and you're still left with beating hearts that speed up with fear and love, slow down with comfort and rest. Souls that are still shiny under the smudge of years. Human thoughts that were innocent as children, jaded as teens, growing still as adults. We are all left with the same things in death. The pharmaceutical world would have us use our parts into old age but really, these vaginas, breasts, penises, parts are not our entirety.

And our entirety deserves love.

Thank you immalittlestrange and B for bringing this artist to my attention.

For 50 years, you were my favorite poem 

And I’d read you every night, knowing I might never understand every word 

But that was okay because the lines of you were the closest thing to holy I’d ever heard. 

You’d say, “This kind of love HAS to be a verb.”

I can only pray we live for another 50 years to enjoy each other like this. 

Home, sweet, homey

My internet has been shoddy the last couple of days so when it's working, I'm working. No time to write for myself though the Blogger app works well enough.

Recouping from Seattle and still haven't downloading those bazillion pictures yet. However, I've managed to get the house in usable order again and we're decorating for Halloween! The Major's birthday is right around the holiday and he usually does a big party. He didn't get to last year so this year we're doing it out right! You should see the bags and bags of decorations. There are skulls and spider webs and candles everywhere and it's set to be glamorous spooky. Think Addams Family.

We also had a duct cleaning service come out today to clean out the vents and all I can say is GROSS! More than 2 gallons  (7.57 litres) of dust, dirt and grime. Blech! But at least it'll be cleaner for us and our guests.

Speaking of things I wanted to get done, I've pretty much finished the window seat dressings, as promised. Want to see?? Simply wrapped old pillows in the fabric and tucked it in. Reversible fabric is my friend!

Window #1 

Window #2

This fabric was used in BOTH windows!
It's reversible and the colors blend with either room.

I know. You're thrilled. :) I love decorating our house and making it a home. Love to the readers and hi to new folks in South Africa!

Sleepless in Seattle - living a chick flick

What an absolutely amazing trip! Seattle is everything I thought it would be and more. The Major and I really needed this trip to unwind, reconnect with friends and enjoy time together just exploring. It's best to just see some of the more than 600 pics we took instead of telling you about everything we did. And we did ALL the things! Click on them to enlarge. (All photos taken by me unless expressly credited. Please do not steal and repost as your own!) :)

Mt. Rainer greeting us from the plane.

The flower market at Pike's Place.

HUGE variety of veggies/fruits

Chinese musician

We rode the Duck! (It's a bus that turns into a boat.)

My favorite store - Bella Umbrella had 100s of different
umbrellas for every occasion. 

The Major bought me this one. 

Amazing apple butter date pastry from
the Dahlia Bakery.

It's an ad agency! Rubber chickens &
indoor 9 hole golf course included.

The notorious nasty Gum Wall. EW

One of the largest ferris wheels in the world.

A traditional fall shot of the Space Needle.

Our hotel. I suggest the suite. 

An afternoon well spent with friends - photo HDRossfeld

See? Well spent. photo HDRossfeld

The slugs are enormous in the PNW!

Our Jack Skellington creation!

Seattle art rocks! Giant lamppost 

Gimme a break! (I need it)

Sorry to the fans expecting updates nearly every day. I've been totally swamped with work and life. We're going to Seattle tomorrow for a little trip to see wonderful friends and I haven't even started packing yet!! EEK! Add to that the Major pulling a back muscle yesterday while trying to dog proof the garage, the laundry needing to be finished and getting the kids settled in with their dad.

WHEW!! It's been crazy. Wish us well on our way to the PNW! Pics to follow later. Yay, Space Needle and Pike's Market!

Hi to new readers in Israel and Columbia!

Shhhh, be vewy, vewy quiet

It's been one of those weeks. Thus, the radio silence. I posted a bunch of pics of our camping trip from last weekend but thought better of it after since there were faces of friends in them. Best to keep this blog more centered and sort of anonymous. Though many of my fans come from Facebook and know who I speak of in this blog, it's better not to reveal much as I get pretty damn personal here. Here's a repost some of the pics: (It rained most of the weekend but we had a blast nonetheless!)

 

 
 


Tuesday would have been my 13th anniversary, had I remained married. I spent most of the day in a dark funk, letting all the demons and Lindsey run rampant on me. My insecurities about my abilities, my body and my worth as the half in a relationship really ate at me, leaving big holes in my heart. The only thing I regret about leaving is that I caused "A" a great deal of unintentional hurt. (Told ya it was personal.) Luckily, we've been talking more and trying to stay on an even keel as co-parents. I still love him in a lot of ways as he's a good man and deserves much happiness. There. How's that for getting the sappy out of the way?

Topping that off with the Major having an insane schedule this week with training missions and barely seeing him unless he's asleep. He left again at 0200. It'll be nice for us to go on vacay soon to see some dear friends up north. We finally had a date night yesterday and I HIGHLY recommend you see Looper with Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Bruce Willis. Blew my mind to pieces!

Sorry for the pity party and the bare bones post. It'll have to do, lovely readers. Thanks to new follows in the Netherlands and Taiwan. :)

I'm awake! I'm awake!

Sometimes I just need to get political.

I adore Samuel L. Jackson for his no-nonsense style of acting. He's got it all under control but you know there's some crazy lurking under there. From Pulp Fiction and Snakes on a Plane to Black Snake Moan and his roles in Star Wars and the Matrix, people have a tendency to listen when he talks. Maybe it's all the F-bombs he drops that somehow don't seem to be gratuitous but rather are strategic missiles used to make his points. Maybe it's the deep voice and oh-so-serious-but-you-better-believe-he'll-cut-you look. Whatever it is, I hope this newest video of his serves as the morning alarm everyone needs to hear.

Today, I present this video from MoveOn.org for your viewing pleasure (or displeasure if you're on the opposite spectrum):

Guess you know who I'm voting for...

Mama bear don't play that!

NOTICE: I've had it with bullies.

Those bigger asswipes who pick on people smaller than them because they think size will protect them, either thru intimidation or sheer force.
Those smaller Napoleon weenies who, like rabid, snarling poodles try to push others around, regardless of size because they have something to prove.

Well, guess what you little pricks? This little mama may be small but dynamite comes in small packages and I WILL NOT let my kids be victims. Yes, I KNOW violence isn't the answer and turning the other cheek is the best thing to do. However, my children shouldn't have to constantly deal with humiliation, fear or kicks to self confidence. They WILL be taught to stand up for themselves. They already stand up for other kids who are bullied but they don't think it's a big deal when others do it to them. I should be proud of that, knowing my boys are being raised well. But a part of me, that Lindsey demon, is growling and snarling herself and I'm about to let her loose.

Earlier today, a kid swatted at my kidlet who's 11, tall and broad for his age. He takes after his dad in more than size: he's also a gentle giant. He champions others and keeps his own hurts to himself. He told the kid, who happened to be smaller, to knock it off. The jerk then fake juked a punch to my son's face then punched him in the stomach. Unprovoked. (If you know my son, you know this is true and not just a mom turning a blind eye. And there were witnesses.) My kidlet didn't hit back but did have the wind knocked out of him and told the principal his side of the story. Little jerk talked to the principal too but didn't get punished. WHAAAA???

Oh, it is ON.

My son had the same problem with a jerk on his baseball team who was favored by the coach as well. That kid spread some terrible and hurtful rumors about the kidlet as well as spit at him and threw baseballs at his face. The kidlet turned away each time, ignoring the taunts but I KNOW it got to him. How do I know? Because another kid told me about how he would hear my kidlet put himself down under his breath during drills, repeating the same hurtful things the jerk had told him. (commence breakage of mommy's heart)

When I confronted the coaches, I was told "boys will be boys" and despite a no tolerance policy, the kid wasn't forced to sit on the bench, as I was told would happen. MY kid sat instead. Of course, I knew where the jerk got his attitude. His mother was a first-class headcase herself and fond of spreading her own brand of meanness. Some people never grow up.

During a big tournament where my kidlet was needed but still sat sideline, I asked the coach again why the other kid was still playing after his actions continued. I was the one ridiculed, (by the coach!) my parenting skills questioned. Mama don't play that! I immediately pulled my son from the team and let it be known loudly neither he NOR his brother would ever play for that coach again. Despite my ex-husband knowing him for many years and being an assistant coach for the same team. The team fell apart after that and good riddance to bad rubbish. Do I regret my actions? NO. Because I stood up for my son when he needed me most.

This next bully better watch it or he'll find himself in a world of hurt. My claws are being sharpened as we speak and the kidlet is about to learn tae kwon do moves from the Major.

God bless the family of a little boy in Stillwater who took his own life in front of students this morning because of bullies. Rest in Peace, Cade.

Lost in Translation

~Wow~

(If you're from somewhere other than the US, please respond below this post so I can say hi to you!)

I don't really think of the people out there who read my blog because I just write it as a way to release. To get Lindsey, the inner demon, under control and beef up my creativity. A scream into the ethernet and if someone hears me, I hope I don't blow out their eardrums. Then I happened to see the Google Analytics of this blog for grins and giggles.

Holy Moses, 1,400 people from the craziest parts of the world are reading this blog! Staying on pages and reading multiple posts. It's humbling. I had to add a Translate This button so no one felt left out.
Some of the amazing places I wish I could visit from where readers are sent to my musings:

United Kingdom
Canada
Germany
Paraguay
Russia
Thailand
Brazil
Belgium
South Korea
Australia
Finland
Mexico

Thanks to readers from each of these! And I'm not quite sure why "Clean All the Things" is the most popular search phrase but it's funny all the same. (Is the world that dirty? Am I that OCD? I heart Hyperbole and a Half because of it.) And yes, I'm still alive and kicking, though my boyfriend tried to kill me. Thinking he doesn't get to fix dinner any more. No telling if he ends up putting nuts into the food. Tree nuts. Not his own...

XO to you all!

My boyfriend tried to kill me

Friday was quite eventful. I took the Major to base to get his car and new ID as his was demolished by the dog. After I returned home, I ate a handful of chocolate covered macadamia nuts he had brought me from his recent trip. They nearly proved to be the death of me and I'm still paying for their nutty goodness.

I developed an allergy to pecans and walnuts after my sons were born and I'm careful to avoid them in foods. I've never had a reaction to other nuts until this week. The macadamia nuts were raw, which I hadn't had before and five minutes after swallowing, I was violently ill. Not to gross anyone out, I'll just say I revisited the last three meals I had eaten within 30 minutes. My throat felt tight and my mouth was on fire and raw, like I'd continuously licked sand paper or eaten live fire ants. Luckily, I didn't panic. (It's funny how you can post to Facebook from the bathroom floor when you need info on allergies.)

The Major rushed home and got me to the urgent care clinic where two sick bags later, they could tell I was not doing so hot. After the usual triage bp/O2 check/weigh in (curse you, damn scale! I WILL win that battle some day!), A "doctor" who looked suspiciously like Tammy Faye Baker with enough cologne to knock over a horse proceeded to tell me I was probably allergic to macadamia nuts as well.

NO s**t, Sherlock! A Benedryl shot in my hip helped ease the symptoms and I was sent home to sleep it off. (OMG, that really really freaking HURT!!) (Fine, I'm a baby enough when it comes to needles but I swear that shot hurt like a wasp sting!!) Two days later, there's still a sizeable lump at the injection site and it's sore. I'm such a weakling when it comes to shots.

I've carried some queasiness with me through the weekend but didn't let it stop me from going to the Oklahoma State Fair and eating fried things. I didn't go on any rides that spun. OOH, wooziness. But I'm wondering why the Major keeps trying to get me to try different things with tree nuts though... 

The dog says "Meh."

 For anyone who knows the Major, you've probably seen his Facebook and the jokes he made over two weeks of being TDY in Guam about being made the king there. And his demand for minions. Lots of them.

Did you know The Minions from Despicable Me are getting their own movie??

I've made it a habit, whenever he comes in by commercial jet (since I can't get on base yet) or when he walks in the door to greet him with a funny sign. Sure, it's cheesy but everyone should feel welcomed. As some of his crew walked passed me, they got a good chuckle as well.

Once kicked off the island, the other minions ran for it. Cowards!

It's not royal fanfare, but it did the job.

I snickered as I posted the next picture, slightly modified:

All Hail the Conquering Hero!  

After unpacking some things, showing me gifts he acquired from adoring islanders (gift shops are classic for this), jet lag began to set in. All was quiet during naptime when I hear the sound of a plastic bag being dragged around the living room. Our 60 lb Rhodesian Ridgeback "puppy"decided to have a snack of the Major's things left on the coffee table! It was a trail of destruction from the front room to the back yard. Money scattered on the back porch, completely demolished credit cards, military ID and driver's license and a gnawed strip of leather which use to be his wallet. The watch was farther back in the yard, and luckily only needs a new strap. Sparky ran for the hills when I started hollering at him, my flipflop wielded above my head as I chased him. 

He's still contrite this morning.

Photo stolen. I think I'll be forgiven.

So welcome home! Everyone loves you... except the dog, it seems.

Giddiness becomes her...As does breathing.

I'm known for being a rather vibrant person. I laugh loudly and often and cry without fear. Sometimes a snap in anger though I'm much better at controlling it than I use to be. My music is a constant, either playing in the background or with me singing along, hopefully not off-key. I love color, even splashes or sparkles of it when wearing all black. Throwing open the curtains and shades first thing in the morning because of the sunlight. I use LOL and :) quite a bit in texts. Because I probably AM smiling and laughing out loud.

Lots of different textures now abound in our home, as visitors will attest, from velvets and satin to brushed cotton and rich, dark wood. They reflect the life and vitality seeping from our pores. Ruby reds, grassy greens, sapphire blues, pumpkin-y rusts. It's great when a home smells and looks good but much like people, it needs to be touched and FEEL good, to be LIVED in.

Can you tell I'm in a thoughtful and great mood? Maybe it's the excessive amounts of coffee I've poured down my gullet today. Most likely it's because I got word today that as of this writing, within 5 hours, the Major will be on his way home to me! YAAAAAAAYYYY!!!! Too much? Too bad. Communication has been minimum, at best, because of so many things and it was wonderful being able to see his face for 5 minutes finally on Skype the other day. As I told quebecokie, it felt like I could finally breathe, even for a few minutes, knowing for sure he was doing well.

So my music is turned up even more today. I'm dancing around in my office chair. I'm smiling a bit more, sighing less. It'll be a long while before he's home as he crosses an ocean and half a continent but it'll be sooner than I imagined.

Oh, crap. I was too busy to get the To-Do List finished!

(PS, *waves hi to new readers in Finland, Germany, Mexico, UK and Russia!)

Catch me if you can

Sometimes, I just need to run. Run out the frustrations, the cares, the worry. Run as if someone is chasing me. Put the dog on the leash and let him drag me along, wind in my face, sun beating down, sweat pouring out of me along with the cares. Wear myself out physically while my brain works thru all the issues, leaving me with a clear head.

But never run from problems. They'll just sit there, waiting for your return, jumping down your throat when you're weakest. Run AT them, headlong and with abandon. They'll scatter like leaves.

Yes, sometimes, I just need a run.

Silence, Part Deux

I'd wanted to post on Friday but I was too busy living real life to worry about the online. Isn't that the way it SHOULD be? What would we do if you got off the computer, the cell phone, the iPad and just lived? I, for one, worked more, played more, exercised more and ate better. I went out with real friends who made me laugh, who I curled up with on the couch and just told stories about life and love. I took a run with our dog, the kids riding their bikes ahead of me, and taught to oldest to make three different stir fry dishes. Life, my friends, is beautiful. Four more days until it achieves even more greatness.

To continue what I started last Thursday, I'm truly thankful for certain people in my life, good or bad.

My mom is a wonderful, beautiful and caring person who had a rough go of life at the beginning and who I cherish. She's one of those people who you'd say upon meeting her, "She has a heart as big as Texas!" I learn every day from her and watching her care for my dad as his last days slipped away, I understand how incredible it is to be a strong, independent woman in love with a man truly worth his weight in gold.

To R, S and T: I'm thankful I learned the lesson of letting go: letting go of the friendships/good feelings I thought we had and seeing you for who you really were. Letting go of the bad feelings I had for you after and growing from the unintended lessons. My brain hurts thinking of the wrong you caused others and yet, I'm glad to be free of that personal responsibility.

Thankful to other detractors who said I wasn't athletic enough, smart enough or just enough. I've now run two Warrior Dashes, am seriously looking into going back to school for two more degrees and someone I know thinks I'm more than enough and tells me so every day.

My sisters: What can I say about these other two parts of our Oreo? Though we're so far apart in age, I'm so lucky to now know you as friends and fellow moms and incredible women. Your kids are the stuff of dreams and I love seeing the two of you so happy. xox

My son was recently told he should probably not be so opinionated or speak his mind around certain people. I think this is a crock of bull malarky!!! He has every right to speak his mind when he sees a wrong doing and he is allowed to tell others how much he loves me as his mother and my cooking or whatever!
SO J, you SPEAK your mind, little man. Within reason and always with kindness, but don't let ANYONE ever try to push you back or keep you from being the awesome kid you are!! 

This blog got sappy and a bit snappy, but that's life. And I'm no longer silent.

Silent All These Years No Longer

Amazing high praise for my blog today. I'm truly humbled that so many are reading it and giving me positive feedback. Sure, when I first started it, there were several who felt I revealed too much, criticized me for moving too fast with the Major, or just didn't understand why in the hell I would want to write about something so personal on the Internet.

Because it helps ME feel better about who I am, where I'm going in life as I accept challenges and changes and I hope someday my kids look back on it and know me for who I really am. For 37 years, I tried hiding behind what everyone else wanted me to be, this facade of happy-go-lucky goody two shoes. Sorry, but the human in me wanted out, wanted to be cherished, wanted MORE than I was given in life. I'm not handed what I want by any means now. I work just as hard for things, people and ideas, but I'm not afraid of voicing my opinion when warranted.

This is who I am and the Major loves me because of it. So do my friends and family. I'm liable to embarrass them at some point in time, but never out of meanness. Every single person in my life is or was there for a reason and I respect and love that. Believe it or not, I thank God for those who were even awful to me. Because it makes me appreciate my loved ones all the more.

So today's and tomorrow's blog will be about some of these wonders. Starting with the good stuff, of course!

From my FB:
Heather, 
As I was trying to avoid work I played catch up on the wonderful world of Facebook and then stopped by your blog to catch up! I want to thank you for your lovely use of words to describe life in a way that others can relate to and in a way that can allow me to get lost for 30 minutes, when I should be busy typing away at my computer & reading Deeds that bore me to death! I am glad that you are happy & I appreciate that you are able to turn blunders into reading enjoyment for others. Thank you for an escape. 
Misty 
P. S. You look MARVELOUS! (Girl, Did you know I was scared to death of you in junior high because you were so mean to me on the bus? Then I figured out you were just a big softie who needed understanding. ;))

From Bexi bunneh over at thepersistenceofthepen: I've recently just caught up as well...you give me a feeling of normalcy in a world that is far from normal...thoughts turn into things and whether positive or negative we both seem to find the positive in all things regardless of our first reaction to them. I too love that you give me an escape and the ability to relate to even the most ridiculous yet somehow relevant things :) love you bunneh xo (Love you too, sweet girl. See you soon!!)

My friend Char, who knows my situation EXACTLY and gives me sage advice with a keen sense of humor. We WILL be going back to Vegas some day!

Megs, Anne and Betty Red, my three favoritest redheads in the universe. Thank you for not stealing my soul and instead giving me reasons to laugh, cry and live.

To A: We don't really know each other but thank you for everything you did to bring the Major out of his shell and to be the man he is today. I'm eternally grateful you two are friends and hope you can ever remain so. I'm glad you have his back. You deserve much happiness.

That Noisy, Loud Voice

One of my goals these last two weeks was to start a regular routine of working out. Sure, it takes more time than that to establish something more concrete, but it's a start. I was so gung ho about working out, running nearly every day and getting into fantastic shape at the beginning of the year. No, it wasn't one of those NYE resolutions gone the way of the gutter. I had a great routine going. But then life and sickness crashed down on me.

I got a severe lung infection and bronchitis the week of the Warrior Dash, early in the summer. And I was also in the process of packing up our house to move in here. Two stressful times, if ever there were worse. After a round of antibiotics and steroids, I went ahead with the Dash, passing out afterward and having the Major fetch me the first aid folks who promptly began reprimanding me for running the extreme 5K in the hot sun on the meds I was taking. (Hey, I'm hardcore about this!) So, I took some time off. To recover and to pack. By then, as temperatures are wont to do in this god-forsaken state in summer, Hades was blazing outside. Simply walking out the door in 110 F with 60% humidity was stifling. Whoever put the pan of water into the stove known as Oklahoma and turned it on high was a jerk!

It's beginning to cool off and all four of us have bikes we can ride around the neighborhood. So that's a start. I've been using freeweights, doing yoga, pilates and weight resistance moves and starting to see some results. My weight and body issues have always been a sore point with me and I haven't been seeing as many results as I'd like. I'd had an affair with weight-loss supplements in the past and as someone with heart problems as a kid, this was stupid, obviously. However, the allure of the vitamin-slash-weight loss aisle was calling to me at the store yesterday.

"Quick results!"
"Lose half a human in three weeks!"
"Eating? That's for pigs! Never be hungry again!" they all claimed.

And then there's fun stuff they only whisper:
"Have heart palpitations for life!"
"Dizziness and nausea mean the product is working!"
"Just think, you'll be thin and pretty when you die!"

The loudest voice though was one that reverberated in my head from last year, when the Major threatened to literally spank me so hard I couldn't sit down if I ever touched any of those products again. I'd not seen him so angry at me about my health. The threat of me being a grown woman spanked like a child, as well as several friends who would probably help him hold me down, made me drop the bottle of "ephedra-free" pill o'the week so fast I almost broke it. Instead, I hustled over to the next aisle and got some dried fruits.

I've been pretty good this week, even getting in some swimming and eating fairly well. Dropped a few pounds and watched parts of my body head back north where they belong. (No, I'm not posting pics. Don't ask.)

After telling the rest of the voices in my head to shut up, I sure am enjoying this small bowl of ice cream I so richly deserve!

Kenny Rogers sang about me.

Sometimes, technology is the only thing that can connect you with others. International cell and text rates are out of this world and so communication will be at a minimum with the Major. But it reminds me of simpler times, when lovers wrote letters by hand or sent post cards when they were too far apart to talk.

In the meantime, my work load has doubled, luckily, and I'm staying busy, drinking way too much coffee for my own good and learning new things. Such as: I have a hard time saying no to friends and clients. I want to help out and my time is becoming precious. The majority of it I want to spend with my kids and when they aren't there, I focus on other things. My business is really taking off and I'm finally paying off bills that piled up over the last year of being off work. I've found a good niche but there might be something else out there.

A recent conversation:
"You've helped a bunch of our friends with these issues, why don't you think about going back to school? Even think about getting a PhD?"
"You're kidding, right? A DOCTORATE? I couldn't even get back to school before because I couldn't possibly work while going thru such a tough schedule for a Master's! We lived paycheck to paycheck as it was. I like my independence and won't live off you." (cue tears of mortification. Ask my mom. I couldn't even ask my parents for college money when I lived in a shitty apartment and didn't have heat or electricity mid-winter.)
"You're selling yourself short. I've heard your conversations and think you'd be amazing at this. Besides, you have me and I fully support you. You can do the same client work you do now on the side. Do your homework with the kids. They'd really see how important schooling is if you are in it."

WHOA is that a lot to think about...

I think I would just need to get my confidence back up to decent levels before seeking this prospect. Granted, the impetus was one of my clients for whom I've been doing great work but this would take SO much chutzpah. ME, with a PhD?? Holy hell. And I could do a lot of the job thru various media and online, researching and communicating with others, though I love the one-on-one approach. Having worked in radio, I could take it to another level entirely. Until I make a decision, I'm keeping the rest of it close to the vest.

I take risks but I won't make a poor gamble. It's gotta be a sure thing.

Ye Best Laid Plans

But Mousie, thou art no thy lane,
In proving foresight may be vain:
The best-laid schemes o' mice an' men
Gang aft agley... 

To a Mouse by Robert Burns, 1785

True to my word, I've begun the task of keeping busy. Too busy to fret, to bemoan the early stages of loneliness. My kidlets came home Saturday afternoon and we filled it with a wondrous trip to the zoo then making our version of flatbread pizza with a movie. The next was filled with church, taking the oldest to Frontier City while I took his brother to a round robin of flag football, where he promptly kicked tail, scoring the first TD of the season. 

I'm jealous of the Major as he landed in Hawaii for a few days for maintenance on the plane. His crew finally left this morning (midnight Waikiki time) for Guam. As of this writing, I just got word that he made it safe. THAT part of the waiting drives me crazy, the not knowing of whether the plane landed and he stepped off. Though he was essentially working during his time in paradise, he managed to send me a few pics. One was a sunset he wished he could have shared as we had talked of seeing Hawaii together for the first time. He just happened to beat me to it. Some day.

And as per the last post, I've almost completed one of my projects. I found a bolt of incredible fabric that has a pattern on one side that matches the upstairs bedroom and then reverses to match the office! I couldn't be happier with the result. As soon as they're done, I'll post pics. I have some throw pillows that go incredibly well with them too. I caught the youngest laying on the unfinished piece upstairs in the window so they're already a hit!

I think I'll tackle making Chicken Cordon Bleu tomorrow. Mmmmm prosciutto and gruyère... My Nanny (grandmother) made the yummiest. 

For now, I'm staving off the weepies. I CAN be strong. It's just really, really nice when he's home. 

Dali Dolly

Now he's gone. Left at 0600 this morning. I got up with him to help last minute prep and even made a few dozen cookies for his crew. As soon as the door closed, I had a proper boo hoo, went back to sleep for a few hours and now I don't feel like doing anything. Nothing. Nada. Zilch.

It's nearly noon, I'm still in my pjs and I haven't eaten or even had my coffee. For those who know my fiendish appetite for a good cuppa, this isn't good. I'll get over this, I know. And that's okay. I need a day to rcoup, think about things to do in the meantime. Thankfully, I'll have my kids for a few days and we're going to the zoo tomorrow. And flag football starts for the youngest so I'll be busy with them a few days of the week.

I've decided the next two weeks are going to be busy (after I get my tuckus in gear.) There's still so much to do with this house to make it truly comfortable and a home. We hung some pictures last weekend but it isn't enough.

So my Major is Gone, Suck it Up! To-Do List:

1. Exercise every day. Build a better habit of it.
2. Organize the office files better. Consolidate, shred and otherwise get this crap cleaned up.
3. Make lovely, comfy window seats for the upstairs guest bed and the office. (This one has long been on my list since there's already a bench in each large window.) Some pillows, new window coverings and a padded seat will make it simply awesome. I want them to be gathering places for folks!
4. Hang more pictures! Throughout the house, the boys room especially.
5. Get the new shades installed in their room. It'll help with the electric bills and look SO much nicer in there. Wish I could repaint and take down the awful border in there. It'll be awhile.
6. Learn to cook something new, a dish I've never made before.
7. Unpack and sort some more boxes out of the garage.

Sure. All these things are rather ambitious for two weeks time but it'll keep my mind busy and my hands more so. After all, time is on my side.

Petulant Petunia

I've done some childish things as an adult. I've been mean and petty, one of those Mean Girls. Today, I just feel petulant. A little girl who has stifled the tears all day long though my inner Lindsey has been pouting for several days. (For those of you in military families use to this, stop reading now if you're going to tell me to grow up. YOU had to go thru this the first time too. So nyah nyah nyah!)

On Monday, the Major and I had decided we would be going to the Air Force Ball after all. I was so excited and had rushed to find the perfect dress! It fit me beautifully and I would feel like his princess in it. That dress is now hanging forlornly in the wardrobe, hoping for another chance to make a good impression. You see, a big ol' stinky AF bomb was dropped in his lap the next day, right after he bought the ball tickets. Tomorrow morning, he leaves for an island in the Pacific, close to the Philippines, for two weeks. AFTER the ball.

Sure, I'm disappointed about missing the ball but I'm hoping there'll be others. What I'm having trouble with now is the separation anxiety. The longest we've been apart is 10 days when he left for Vegas and I got to fly out at the end of the TDY to meet him there and have a little vacation. But he leaves tomorrow at last notice because someone did something a little stupid and hurt themselves so he's going in their stead. There's still a possibility he could be sent overseas to the Middle East for six months come November too, which we knew about in advance. This trip was just unlucky circumstance.

And speaking of luck, we had dinner tonight at a favorite sushi place and I nearly came unglued after seeing our fortunes. Those damn flour paste cookies had it in for us, I'm sure of it! He opened his to reveal, "Hope for the best but prepare for the worst."

Whaaaa the fuuuuu??

Seriously, like I need to add to my anxiety that something atrocious will happen to the man I love, the one I've been waking up with every morning after snuggling all night, who I finally found after what seems a lifetime of looking!!

The kicker was when I opened up mine. Guess what it said? Yeah, my mouth dropped open too.

EFF YOU UNIVERSE and your cruelty! Hoping for the best and preparing for the worst could be ANYTHING. If you're a bit facetious like I am, you added "...in bed" at the end of the fortune. So am I supposed to expect to wet the bed? Have painful sex? Stub my toe on the frame? Sheesh. Gimme a clue here, Mr. Universal Fate, who gave us both the worst possible fortune!

Life has been amazingly wonderful at the moment. (So sue me. It HAS.) We've now been living together for two months and it's been so easy, it's scary. Sure, we have disagreements but they barely pass with the blink of an eye. I keep expecting the other shoe to drop. Maybe this is the stiletto to fall on my instep, heel down. I know I'm supposed to be one of those strong women, stoically keeping the home lights burning while her man is off doing his military duty. It's only two weeks.

But right now, I want to wrap around his leg and cry, "Please don't go!"

What, what, chicken butt?

THIS. So much THIS. The whole Chick-Fil-A thing isn't just about chicken. It's about people. Flesh and blood men, women and children who could be physically and emotionally killed by a hate mongering group or those who support it.

http://www.owldolatrous.com/?p=288

Surreality is...

This is interesting. Weird. Lovely. Scary. Exactly what I've craved.

This living together, with my kids, in this house. Waking up every day next to each other. We hadn't done that except on trips. Now knowing that we will be seeing each other in all our glory and gory for as long as we can stand it. Excuse me while I clean out my eye-boogers before he wakes up.

I still have so much doubt that I'll live up to certain expectations, my own mainly. That, though I've managed to portray myself exactly as I am, I still won't be good enough. Because I really wasn't good enough before. Not according to some others' standards. Some insecurities are best left to children. But aren't we all just a bit child-like? No matter what anyone says, if you don't have SOME kind of doubts about yourself, or question your own motives and worry about what others think, then you're an egotistical douchebag. 


During my move into his house this weekend, I was overwhelmed. And more than a bit grumpy on a number of occasions from the sheer stress of it all. I tend to be shorter tempered than most when tired but kept myself under control. Then he'd crack a joke, I'd laugh or merely smirk at the absurdity and keep going. My mom was stunned at how neither of us snapped at each other and we just seemed happy instead of strained. Our house is a mess, boxes everywhere; I have no idea where anything is. Each box seems to have a surprise in it. And that bothers me. The clutter is causing me to have OCD and I may become a crack fiend to calm my nerves. I still have work to accomplish for clients and way too much to pack before we go on vacation tomorrow. IF I can find where I put our clothes and camping gear. 


It's a lot to absorb for all of us. So much change. So little time to adjust.

He'll have to get use to me laughing a bit too loud and finding my hairballs laying around, to being a stickler for manners and having a clutter free house. And to get use to having children in his house again.

I'll have to get use to him being a procrastinator and paper hoarder, to having a penchant for riling my kids up before bedtime, and the weird sleeping positions he has that look entirely too uncomfortable.

We'll both adjust to the eccentricities of our mothers, bless them both. To our siblings and their opinionated thoughts on our living situation and the ways of our relationship.

A family isn't perfect. We will never profess to be so. That frailty and fallibility is the most beautiful part of being human. Neither of us is perfect and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Shaken, not stirred

I like a good cocktail, though I'm more of the flavored drink kind of gal. I even prefer a dark or amber beer to the light stuff because I want it to have oomph. If I wanted a flavorless beverage, I'd choose water. And I like my life to be the same. Full of flavor, vitality, tang, spice.

Today though, I'm going with water. I'm keeping these emotions in check and to myself today. I need a calm thirst quencher to keep from getting drunk on feelings. There's too much to do today to become overwhelmed with emotional turmoil.

But here's my recipe for the weirdest L.I.T.:

3 parts Elation
2 parts Bitter
1 part Joyful Expectation
1/4 tsp. Confusion
1/2 tsp. Awkward
Several slices of Giddy
A squeeze of Exhausted Patience
Pinch of Regret
Dash of Fear
Sprinkle of Hope

Shake well, serve over ice. Don't forget the umbrella.

CLEAN ALL THE THINGS!

While cleaning the smog of rumors in my professional airspace, I'm cleaning up our house to be more presentable while I move in. It's a big job, what with this house being huge. We'll definitely have to have a garage sale! The scorching temps in the 100s don't bother me half as much since we have a pool to cool off in too. Now if the Major can just hurry on HOME.

Life is good, my friends. VERY good.

Clearing the Air

Just going to leave this right here for your perusal:

It always amazes me what people will gossip about. Some terribly funny gossip about me came back this morning and I had a hearty laugh about it. Because it's all false. Not even a lick of truth to it. I'm not going to repeat it here or anywhere else because frankly, it would be repeated with a new twist, I'm sure. On one hand, it sends traffic to my Facebook and to this blog. On the other, it makes those spreading the rumors look silly and completely unprofessional.

To dispel the rumors though, this is what I do: I am a social media consultant and strategist. I help manage social media sites, websites and blogs for different companies as a freelance consultant. I write press releases, promote various events and products and write blogs. I'm not doing anything questionable nor shameful. I am in control of myself and a professional at all times. My discipline involves the hard work I do for others; my fetish, the written word.

So people, knock it off. My respect for you has dropped several notches. If you want to continue to be rumor-mongers, go right ahead. It neither hurts my credibility nor the companies I work for. If anything, it makes them and me more popular.

Silly, silly people.

Gold, Silver, Platinum - Find Your Value

Make new friends

But keep the old.

One is silver

and the other gold.

The Scouts had it almost right. Old friends are usually silver, cherished but not tarnished. Reminders of other times when our youthful friendships were changeable. Gold friends, though newer, are sometimes more valuable because they are made when we are wiser, more choosy in our friendships. And then, there are the friendships the old song doesn't talk about. 

Platinum friendships are forged early, stronger to last thru tough times. These friends will never leave you, no matter how much you piss them off, which you undoubtedly will, if you are able to be truly honest with them and yourself. They are also the least understood, infinitely rarer. My Major has one of these with his ex and it's been an honor to watch the grace with which they've treated each other thru a divorce and beyond.

How could a couple travel the world together, figure out being married wasn't for them as a couple and yet remain so close? The reasons for the split are only between them or what they choose to share with others. However, it was cause for much needless speculation by friends and family. They all had their own opinions and still gossip about why they stay friends. I barely understand it myself, some days. 


But I'm proud of them. Earlier in February, he kept a promise made more than a year prior that he would go with her family on a trip. Despite some awkwardness, they had a wonderful time and I approved. This week, as I prepare to move in with him, he'll be driving her across country back to Canada. She's spent quite a bit of time with him and his son this week since there's no telling when she'll get to see them again. She's the Major's best friend and I approve.


I have a similar friendship with my ex. He's a great father to our kids though we weren't right for each other. But we still laugh together, still text each other, share stories. Some days are easier than others, and we piss each other off because our communication styles are different. But we mean well. 


So today I'll say again how proud I am of the Major and A. She deserves every happiness and I know she'll find it. And I hope she comes back to visit. 

A circle is round

and has no end.

That's how long

I want to be your friend.

Hope, you'd BETTER stay in that box!

It's been an up and down day and it's not even over yet. After a fairly sleepless night, I hoped for an impromptu lunch date which unfortunately was dashed for more pressing issues. Then finding out I needed a judge's signature first for some paperwork A and I signed for our decree before officially filing it. Lo and behold, the judge is out until Monday, after running up and down three flights of stairs. Seriously? In this heat and in a skirt, I need some powder for the chaffing.

Renewed vigor to pack like a fiend when I returned home only to get discouraged at the sheer amount of packing I needed to do. Now I really need lunch since I skipped breakfast. *stomach growl* And I have a ton of posts to schedule for clients before next week.

But I've set up a little mansion for Hope, who's been residing in Pandora's Box these last couple of years. She's quite comfortable and at home. So anything else that could possibly go wrong today will be okay.

I'm not invincible. But I AM flexible. Look Ma! I'm a bendy weeping willow! I'm going with the flow. Because the next week will be harder, both physically and emotionally.

But I've got Hope in a box and that chick is sipping margaritas by the pool while the hot cabana boy gives her a rubdown. I sure hope lunch is served soon or I'm going to eat her.

Humility can be a bitch with a big stick

I haven't felt terribly generous of late.

My time, at least according to me, is too precious to be given to just anyone. Especially when it comes to my loved ones. My boyfriend's (The Major) son is in town visiting and I understand all too well his need to have alone time with him, since he never gets to see him. Unfortunately, his ex-wife also lives here and wanted to see him before she moves back to her home country.

Now, don't get me wrong. She's a lovely person and was his stepmother for 11 years, most of his childhood. There's no telling when she might see him again once she moves. I was quite upset, however, to realize she wanted that precious timeslot allotted to ME in which to meet him with The Major. I already had rearranged my schedule for this dinner, prepared myself mentally to welcome someone else into my life and hoping to be accepted into his. I'm the one who has to make concessions, because she is still a very important person in their lives.

Cue Lindsey.

"Lindsey" is someone we've named as my green-eyed inner demon. She's the worst part of me I keep caged and for good reason. This monster can be the most vicious, conniving and petty sliver of non-humanity known. She bites with words, snapping and snarling, when I don't get my way. She can't strike out physically, just emotionally and mentally against others, leaving far deeper scars. And she serves only me. My selfish little beastie.

Lindsey ranted and raved in private; whimpered and pouted. Narrowed her eyes against the world and threw far too many verbal bombs than is necessary.

Then an email came in from a client who just returned from a trip with her husband. I leave out her name as kindnesses should be felt, not named. But thank you, MB, for holding up that harsh glaring mirror.

Her story: When I was in Seattle last week, I was taking pictures in a very quaint area called Pioneer Square Park.  There was a homeless man about my age at Pioneer Square that was sitting on a park bench.  He saw what I was doing with the iPad and asked "Is that a camera?"  I said that it was and took a picture of him and showed it to him.  He asked if I could send it to him for his daughter's birthday this week.  He didn't have email, so he gave me a card that showed his name and that he was staying at Lazarus Day Center (which is why I gather he's homeless or in rehab or something).  I wasn't able to print it and mail it because of our Internet problems (since the printer was wireless) and I was beside myself, so I called a FedEx Kinko's up there and I explained the situation and asked if I could upload the photo, have them print two copies on glossy photo paper and have them deliver them to him.  The very patient young gal I talked to through my tear said yes, I could email it to her.  I asked if she wanted to take my credit card info over the phone.  She said "This one's on me and I'll walk it over there to him at the Lazarus Day Center on my lunch hour.  Hope you had a great time in Seattle."  There are truly good people in this world."


So why tell this story? Because that one paragraph was Humility herself beating back the jealous little demon. Showing me that kind people take time out of their lives to do things for other people they don't know or should even care about.

Humility carried a freaking big stick and Lindsey is, for now, subdued, black and blue. I may not get to spend those few precious hours with The Major and his son yet. But I need to remember I'll be part of their lives forever.

I've already won the largest prize at the fair. Let someone else have the tin whistle.

Update: Surprise dinner with The Major and son tonight. Sometimes, patience really is a virtue.